Homesickness

The 11^th August 1921 arrived and Dina was accompanied by her parents to the noviciate of the Religious of Jesus and Mary in Sillery, Quebec. 

She relates that darkness and repugnance reigned within her, but that hardly had she crossed the threshold that an inner force made her say, “I am at home”. This convinced her that she was where God wanted her, without alleviating the conflicting feelings that everyone who is in darkness experiences. Her desire for solitude, her dreams of religious life had disappeared, but on the other hand, Jesus was with her. When someone does something very difficult, but with the conviction that she is doing what she ought to do, is it not true that one feels a mixture of anguish and certainty?  Something that cannot be explained is a source of suffering, but at the same time is a cause of joy.  This is what happened to Dina.

I can tell you that Dina is not the first or the only person to have these feelings, which really just mean not understanding what is happening. There was a woman, the Virgin Mary, who also did not understand anything when the angel announced to her in Nazareth that the greatest of mysteries was about to take place, and yet she said her “Yes”, without seeing clearly. Although Dina’s “Yes” is nothing in comparison with Mary’s, it is quite likely that she remembered it during these moments, because, although I did not tell you from the beginning, Dina loved Mary very much and had recourse to her at difficult times.

With all this you must not think that during these first days that life became easy for Dina. She continued in darkness and both temptation and discouragement afflicted her. Everything seemed almost impossible for her. “Are you going to live here until the end of your days? Are you going to submit yourself to these demands which are so difficult for you?”

Community life was one of the things that cost her most and she was very homesick. No one noticed anything however, nor did she tell anyone, only some very discreet people were going to know. One day she found a chicken coop in the garden and with a heavy heart she said to the hen “You are in your house, make the very most of it, make the most of it!” Such was her state of mind.  Moreover Dina thought that she would not have the possibility of living a life of solitary prayer; at various times during the day everyone came together in the chapel for prayer; Dina came to think that she would no longer be able to speak intimately and alone with Jesus. She was seeking something else. One day she relived the first moment when a voice made her say, “I am at home” and she came to understand that these feelings did not come from God. She rejected them and renewed her great desire to be faithful.

Later on during the retreat in preparation for the official entry into the noviciate, light and peace returned to her. She received two big graces during these days: the intimate communication with Jesus returns and she felt that God had taken her heart and replaced it with those of Jesus and Mary. She does not know how to describe it. She will no longer have to search for them outside herself, she will possess them interiorly. Our Lord reserves ever greater graces for her. A continuous ascent is about to begin for Dina, which she will communicate to us by means of the mottos that she will choose for herself. She sums it up now “Obey blindly, suffer with joy, love until martyrdom”.